LISTENING FROM THE HEART
Originally published in The Mancos Times – June 20, 2012
In my listening to others – myself as well – I hear of the painful experiences we have endured in our lifetimes – abuse, injustice, neglect, deception, meanness, substance addiction, feelings of failure and inadequacy. These experiences generally are like a see-saw and can tip one of two ways for us – a motivator; a learning and growing opportunity we use to transcend hurtful experiences and keep them from repeating, becoming ever the stronger for it, or a debilitator, becoming a curse and barrier for us, that we avoid and retreat from whenever we feel a similar reoccurring theme arise in our lives. We eventually develop our own set of custom-tailored dysfunctional coping behaviors in dealing with even the hint of this occurring for us. We go to great lengths to avoid this lurking terror no matter the cost to our integrity, relationships or our personal peace.
My experience is that we usually have a combination of both these reaction responses within different areas of our lives. Perhaps we learn that some folks are undependable and realize it best not to expect much from them with any follow-up to things they verbally commit to. So this is a good thing. On the other hand we one day may have “opened up” and revealed a very sensitive fear to a “friend” and they later break our confidence and as a result we avoid being vulnerable ever again by shutting down intimate and confidential communications with every one in the future. We decide to expect that the worst will always happen and that “no one is going to hurt me like that again!” We become guarded and subdued with our authenticity, giving few the benefit of the doubt.
Perhaps more insidious are the much more subtle hurts and agonies from the past, such as parental neglect that haunts us for a lifetime; the parent(s) who just didn’t have the time or ability to be there for us as children through our times of fear and need for reassurance. As a result of being deprived of this nurturing presence, we spend the rest of lives craving, demanding attention and validation, never, ever ever getting enough. Or we experience that “innocent dream relationship” that turned oh-so-sour due to deception, lies or the realization that he/she did not have the capacity to respect or care about us as an individual, and were in it for the lust and an unquenchable selfish need to boost their own insecure egos – due, no doubt, to the demon ghosts from their pasts. As a result we react and embark upon a path of aloofness or promiscuity, unwilling to become “exposed” (and yes, intimately connected) ever again.
First of all, you and I are human and are “of humanity.” Secondly, so are they so let us be empathetic and compassionate with ourselves, then with others as well.
So what to do with these ghosts that continue to haunt us, to limit us with our joy and serenity? My experienced is that before anything, we must be willing to see these self-created gates of hell – gates we have become so very cunning and blind with avoiding and unwilling to acknowledge. Next we must walk to the gate, open it, then with courage and faith and yes, trepidation, begin our march through hell. We must face our demons and venture forward through this pain and fear till we get to the other side. For only by marching intentionally and diligently through our hell and discerning “what is” from “what is not,” then growing our empathy, our compassion, for all, then later intentionally setting our boundaries with our consequences, will we then reach our heaven on Earth on the other side. I am confident that as you – as I – make this journey through our hell, we will find a wiser, higher truth with “what was” and freedom with this new found clarity with “what is,” realizing that there are no other chains holding us to this anxiety and angst with this past other than our viewpoint about it, that this fearful viewpoint which has haunted us for decades was ill conceived and frankly, incorrect.
So, dear friends, open your gate to hell, be courageous, have faith and know it is okay to be afraid along the way. Believe in the miracle of this journey. Begin it soon. May your heaven on Earth grow ever the larger for you, for that cave we most fear to enter does indeed contain the treasure we most seek. Some last pieces of advice: best to travel through one set of gates and one hell at a time. And when you can, take a wise trusted ally or two along with you. We really have nothing other to fear but the presence of fear itself. Are you ready to open your gate?
Michael Starr is the owner of Executive Coaching Services. He can be reached at www.executivecoachingservices.net or by calling 501-585-1302.