LISTENING FROM THE HEART
Originally published in The Mancos Times – June 13, 2012
In my listening to others – to myself as well –I often am reminded of the criticality of having empathy and compassion with others. “That for the grace of God there go I”. Had I been born with the same socio-economic status, same parents, siblings, geography, schooling, neighborhood, religious indoctrination and level of family nurturing would I not have likely turned out similarly? Often in life conditions not of our choosing have a huge impact on who we become with our likes, dislikes, fears and joys. As a result we just honestly couldn’t help becoming who we are, both good and bad.
It is through our empathy for others, as well as ourselves, that we develop our ability to be compassionate and understanding – not necessarily agreeing with their actions or our actions, but certainly gaining an acceptance of what is and who they/we are, and most likely always will be. It is with this maturity we can anticipate their behavior – our behavior – and predict how they will react to successes, conflicts and setbacks; no need to be surprised or indignant or self-recriminating here. With empathy we can shift our perspective about reality and gauge a much healthier, and frankly, a far more effective manner in interacting with others as well as ourselves. This wisdom with seeking to understand others, as well as ourselves, not only allows us to access a kind and stress-free means with communications, but also reduces frustration, anger, and disappointment. It also greatly bolsters our own sense of inner peace and calmness. Not only is this a powerful shift in our harmony and resonance with others and ourselves, in relationships, but there are enormous health impacts as well. It is well-documented that transcending one’s state of mind from a negative, angry or victimized one, to an empowered, loving, relaxed attitude, changes our body chemistry with hormones, enzymes, chemical balances in our blood stream. The impact on improving our immune system is profound, not to mention the clarity of thinking and accompanying improved decision-making that goes along with this.
But my journey with learning to be empathetic and compassionate has also taught me another important lesson as well. That lesson is that although folks can’t help being who they are, it should not obfuscate my need to be treated in a respectful manner. So it is up to me to add one very important condition with my compassion, with my empathy for others, and that is setting and communicating my boundaries with their associated consequences. So if another has an angry and accusatory personality, I have not only the right, but responsibility, to let them know that when they treat me in a mean and cruel manner that there will be consequences. Perhaps I will leave the room or perhaps just not talk with them for a while. It is important, though, when communicating my boundaries, not to blame them and put them on the defensive but to context it in a framework of how their behavior makes me feel – “When you don’t follow up on what you promised it makes me worry about whether that project will get done on time to meet our customer’s deadline.’
So I have come to see that I need both B and E. B =Boundaries and E=Empathy and that together they are a most complete way to interact with others in a mature and loving manner. With B. and E. we nurture respect, harmony, and healthy cooperative relationships. So, dear Hamlet, the answer is unequivocally “TO BE.”
Michael Starr is the owner of Executive Coaching Services. He can be reached at www.executivecoachingservices.net or by calling 501-585-1302.