Define the upset and desired outcome.
“Resentment/Anger/Despair” ——> “Absence of Resentment/Anger/Despair”
A —> Empathy/Understanding —> B
This worksheet is used to help you move away from harboring resentment, anger, or despair with a person or event to a place where you no longer have those upsetting feelings about that person or event.
It consists of:
1. Clarifying the impact of an ongoing upset on you and why it must be your priority for you to address it.
2. Building your Empathy and understanding of another by dispassionately seeing why things occurred as they did.
3. Writing an unbiased and objective problem statement.
4. Identifying a healthy outcome for yourself.
When writing your problem statement, state the issue of concern without an inclination as to its cause. Include the pain, suffering, and upset it is causing you and its impact on you.
Be certain the problem or concern is real as opposed to an interpretation, opinion, or misunderstanding.
1. Clarifying the impact of this ongoing upset.
List the negative impacts this has on you and your behavior:
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
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Some examples follow:
• I repeatedly replay the hurt in my mind and can’t stop thinking about it.
• I have feelings of hate toward another.
• I am feeling despondent and hopeless about this situation.
• I repeatedly second-guess myself with what I would have, should have, and could have done.
• I fantasize about revenge.
• I wish ill will toward another.
• I am jumpy and short with others and easily angered.
• I feel constantly anxious.
• This affects my ability to follow up and address important issues in my life.
• I am losing sleep over this.
• I am having trouble concentrating.
2. Building your empathy, understanding, and compassion.
Complete the “Be the Archeologist” Worksheet to improve your Empathy and understanding of another.
3. Write a clear, unbiased, objective problem definition.
When defining the problem/concern, seek to get it in a one-sentence statement form. Do not embed a solution within the problem definition.
Examples of incorrect problem statements:
• We have too many injuries at work because our supervisors place productivity ahead of safety.
• I am having financial problems because I am not making enough money.
• My spouse and I argue too much because he/she is extremely defensive with feedback.
• I am overweight because I overeat.
• I am not getting promoted at work because my supervisors and management are racists.
• I don’t have enough room in my garage to store everything because it is too small.
• Joe is not getting his work done because he is undependable.
You can see that embedded within these problem statements are predetermined solution areas for focus … this is a mistake that often leads us down the wrong path for making real progress. I encourage you to be alert to this and avoid it to prevent being led into a suboptimal action plan.
Examples of correct problem statements:
• I have debt and expenses which I am not currently capable of paying.
• My spouse and I argue frequently, which causes both of us great upset.
• I am overweight and this is reducing my energy levels and hurting my self-image.
• I am not advancing at work with my position and compensation on pace with my expectations.
• There is not enough room in my garage to store all my possessions.
• Joe is not completing assignments on schedule.
With an improved problem statement, we keep the door open to identifying root causes. Many possible causes can now be considered as contributors to the concern. We are then much more likely to address root causes vs. symptoms.
We may come to see that the real issue differs from what we initially thought it to be; as with storing things in our garage, where we thought we needed more storage space, instead, we needed to streamline our possessions. Instead of constructing a building extension or renting storage space elsewhere, we may determine it best to have a garage sale or to drop off donations at the Salvation Army or another charitable organization.
MY PROBLEM STATEMENT:
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
4. Identify a healthy outcome.
List the positive feelings and views you wish to have when you put the past upset behind you.
Examples of healthy outcomes:
• I have objective empowering acceptance of another and hold no animosity or ill feelings toward them.
• I have compassion for the other person who hurt me in the past.
• I disagree with what another did, yet I understand why they did what they did, given who they are.
• I have set Boundaries with Consequences to prevent the past upset from reoccurring.
• I no longer worry or get angry over this past experience because I have used it to become a better person.
• I am grateful that this painful experience in the past occurred, as it has motivated me to mature and become stronger.
MY DESIRED HEALTHY OUTCOME:
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
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Example Result at the end of this worksheet:
An example of the current problem statement “A”:
I have anger/resentment toward __________ that is causing me much anguish, pain, upset, and agitation.
An Example of a suggested desired outcome “B”:
I wish to go forward and get past this negativity in my life so I no longer harbor hatred, animosity, or resentment toward this person. I want to be free of this situation’s negative hold on me with lost sleep, anger, resentment, agitation, frustration, despair, etc. When I move past this, I will sleep much better and no longer replay the hurt repeatedly in my mind. I will be freed of the prison of anger and sadness and be able to think more clearly. I will be better at living an empowered life with Betterism in my pursuit and actions, adding more good and reducing the bad in my current and future life.